and then i hear a voice from deep within my illusion,
a familiar voice,
i believe is his,,
emanating from my heart,,
“you will never love anyone like you loved me….”
i strain to listen, to hear more…
but there is silence..
and i watch,,
i watch as the sun drops slowly into the sea,
and i know,
once again,,
he has won…
i read it, and it drew me in and left me off at a place in my heart i have been avoiding for days… a place i haven’t wanted to go… because it is truly, my personal limbo,, no my hades,, no my hell.. in that i know, i can never really gain admittance,, and yet,, i can’t stay away,, either….
and even on the days that i summon the courage, to close my eyes, and withdraw enough,, to summon the strength,, to and turn and to run … the fire with which we once burned,, is still there…as are the ashes,, for they are never fully washed away…
i have been fondling the knob, on the door,, for days,,, my fingers,, tracing the inscription,, that time has etched into its surface,, the worn spots,, where i have held on tight,,, the rough edges,,, where i have tried unsuccessfully to pry it from my hand,,, the deep groves that continue to suck me in,, making it impossible for me to let go…. completely…the vast emptiness, of the keyhole, for which,, i know,,, he has the only key….
wanting to go in,, wanting to submerge myself once again… and yet knowing the time for that is behind me,, and i have to turn,, to look away,, even to run,, if i am ever to be able to go on,, to move on,, to move toward,, anything that ever resembles a life… again….
but i wonder from here,, with my fingers locked tightly around the cold, hard, steel of the knob,, my only physical link to him,,, a link that has grown hot,, and moist,, and inviting,,, held so firmly, in my grasp… i wonder,,, if i will ever really be able to let go.. and even if i can, physically pry my hand from the handle… how will i ever be able to separate myself from him… as i bare his brand,, permanently scorched into the palm of my hand, the softest part of my heart,, the most protected crevices of my soul…
even if i let go.. will i ever be able to get far enough away… far enough so that he will no longer call to me,, or if he does,,, that i won’t hear him,, and long for him,, and runaway from where ever i am to come back, to him… to here… to nowhere….
and if,, by chance,, i was to allow myself to move on,,, how many more hearts would i have to singe, how many lives would i help to unravel knowing all the while… he was right… he has always been right… i will never love anyone like i did him…
and the longer i look and the harder i try and the more i conspire to force “you” to be him,, and me to be the me i was before i loved him.. the weaker we both become… “you”,, the illusive man that never succeeds in becoming him,, and me the girl with no dreams… save one,, the dream that has died, but refuses to rest in peace…
i ache to be touched, to be held… to be looked at with longing, and desire.. but every time i would see “you”,,, i would look for him… i would be seeing you thru the veil i wear, the veil of devotion… to him….. and thinking all the while….. “you are not him,, you will never be him,,, how dare you try…” until eventually i would become acerbic, and sharp, filled with a hate you cannot understand… and i would burn from within,, once again,, a victim,, of my very own unquenchable,, all consuming flame…
until you run,, or i do.. and i am left alone again…
will i spend forever,, peering thru the keyhole,, my portal,, to him… afraid to let go,, and even more afraid… that if i do ever turn the knob… and open the door… that he won’t really be there????
by: paisley
Almost-Dead Poets Society 